There's a race in my mind

There's a race going on in my mind right now as I type, and my sleep is losing. Interestingly enough I am wide awake right now; I was able to get about a 20 minute nap in before Sarah came in and woke me up (unintentionally of course). I have been up ever since. I tried going to sleep, even tried the sheep counting thing. My head is racing with thoughts, so much so that I finally gave up and started thinking. I figured that's what it wants to do anyway, so why fight it.

I ended up switching spots with Sarah and laying with X for about 20 minutes, before I tried turning on the TV to drown out my thoughts. The only thing I ended up doing was waking up the twins, and they let me know they were not happy about it. So I laid there for about 5 minutes more and decided to let you in on my thoughts.

To be honest I have yet to worry about this surgery, that is until tonight. I am not sure it is so much worry, as it is that I am "feeling it" (A Mike Donahue phrase). And boy am I ever feeling it tonight, I laid next to X and whispered to him "I wish you'd get better", and "I am sorry and I love you" tears rolling down my cheek, and a lump the size of Volkswagen in my throat.

*Mike Donahue was once a youth pastor at the church I attended for about 6 years. I really didn't care for him much, and told him so. I ended up asking his cousin (Sarah) to marry me, so then I had to like him. He has been there in my darkest of times, and proved to be an incredible friend*

For some reason while I was laying there next to my sleeping son I could hear Mike telling me "Ya gotta feel it before you can fix it". Now don't get me wrong I don't worship Mike, I know it was the Holy Spirit talking to me, but he was using words Mike had told me numerous times. I am not much of a tears kinda guy, as a matter of fact I told X about 8 months ago it was OK to cry, and that Daddy cries sometimes. He looked at me like I had 8 eyes, and an elephant nose. I said "You've seen me cry right?" With a bit of confusion and awkwardness he replied "No". I looked at Sarah and she said "I don't think you've ever cried in front of him" I was astonished, and ashamed.

I partly blame my job on that, and me trying to be "The MAN of the House". Somewhere for some reason I don't think I ever cried in front of my boys. I think the only person I cried in front more than once in a year was my marriage counselor. It was on that day I asked God to help me with that. I can remember the handful of times my Dad cried in front of me, and it was shocking for me to see the man I looked up to crying. I knew it was OK to cry, and yet failed to SHOW my boys that.

Well God listened and was more than faithful, it was like two days later when I bawled my eyes out because of his seizures. I cried harder than I had in years, so much so I becam all swollen eyed, and I needed to drink water for fear of dehydrating. I have cried more these 6 months, than I have in the last 10 years, seriously. It helps to feel it before I attempt to fix it; it helps just to feel it. So tonight I am feeling it. I am feeling it deep into the core of my father heart. I always say that a mothers love for her child is incomparable, I hold to that, but a fathers heart to keep his child safe is the same way. If I could take my sons place I would do it with no hesitation, I would do it even if it meant that I would have to take it and multiply it by infinity. The way I see it, I have lived 30 great years, he has only lived 4 really, since that is when it started. He could spend the next 80+ in peace, and I would finish my life fulfilled. Knowing that he could didn't have to go through the pain that he is about to go through, and watching him live life to the fullest.

Please do not think for one moment that I do not think he will have a "normal" life, on the contrary, I KNOW he will. I will never treat him like he is disabled, or else he will be. I just want to keep him safe. Sometimes after Sarah shows me a picture of him when he was like 2, after I am alone, I cry. This may sound petty, but I look at how perfect his head is, and his sweet innocent face, and his intoxicating smile, and I wish it was still like that. I say it sounds petty because I am talking about the physical, I know his spirit will always be a joyful one, that's who God made him.

Man, I can tell I am tired cause I can barely get through this due to my own tears, but I just wish this would all go away, that God would just touch him. What I would give for that. I hold onto that, a miracle, but I am also aware that no matter what happens "I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me", and so can my family for the same reason.

I told Sarah to write a quick post on what happened a few days ago. X has been praying for sick people, kids in particular. Every time we drive by a hospital, cruiser, fire truck, or ambulance he starts to pray. It really is a cool story, if she doesn't post it soon, I will get the details and do it myself.