Thursday, January 7, 2010

Honesty and Help

This is going to be very raw, if you don't want that, or like what I say here is your warning. It is 2:50am, I just got home from work. I am not happy. Our lives have been such a roller coaster, emotionally, with victories/good luck and failure/bad luck (For lack of a better term), with Xander, and our family life, and I am ready to be done with it.

Whoever is reading this, I have a plea, please pray. We are tired. I am not a quitter, I love a good fight, but I need a break. More than just a day. I am not over exaggerating, or making it seem worse than it is, real talk for every victory/blessing the next day there has been another obstacle. I will only give one example, someone paid for our truck to be repaired (Blessing), that very next morning during an oil change for the van we were told it needed new brakes asap. Not a big deal, we laughed it off, plus we knew we could do it since we had been blessed by the truck. The next day after that my truck which has run like a champ for the last 2 years starts acting funny. Enough said, I am done talking about bad crap. It has literally gotten to the point where friends/co-workers, some who I have never talked on a deeper, personnel level with before about God, are telling me "He's (referring to God) just testing you, it's gotta be over soon". The crazy part is, they don't even know the HALF of it!

I thought it was going to be over months ago, yet here we are. I have only focused on the good, that hasn't worked. I have prayed, I have cried, I have prayed with my wife, I have had a TON of help from family and friends (to which I will have to spend my entire life trying to repay), I have begged, pleaded, asked for forgiveness, sat still, tried to look for an answer, stopped looking for answers, put on a garment of praise, rejoiced, lamented, pressed on, kept on, fought, asked for protection, allowed myself to be weak so his strength would bring me through, talked to friends, not talked to anyone, yelled at the devil, yelled at God, listened, spoke life, looked forward, worried, not worried, I could go on and on. I feel like I have tried it all, and I am still here on the same roller coaster.

I drove home tonight at 20 mph, yelling and crying. I have nothing left to hide, so I will share with you what I said. The reason I am sharing this is so that maybe someone out there can be my voice to God, someone can give me a message from him. I need. That was not a typo, I need. I feel numb, I hate that, but I do, here's the jist of what I said, after yelling at the enemy.

"God, I really need your help right now, I am not a quitter, and I will not quit, but I feel like quitting. I need a brake, I am worn in every sense. I want you to meet me here, right now, and explain to me what is happening to me. Dan Torres loves Jesus, and needs to meet him now. Your word is the Truth, and I believe it. You love me more than my earthly father, so dad meet me here now. Meet me here now because I know that if I called my earthly father right now and told him I needed him here, he would show up. Tell me why I can't get off this roller coaster, why things cannot be normal for me, why I have to go through all of this. Why? Answer me Dad, I want to know. If my son asked me, I would tell him everything I could, so tell me. This is stupid, all of this is, so why?" I hears nothing, I felt like I heard "You don't have to know why" But I don't know if that was from him, or my flustered mind

That is not all of it, but the jist of it. If anyone can offer anything I am willing to listen. I had a great conversation with my Uncle Joe, and I shared it with my wife. His wisdom on stuff really lifted me up, now this. I hate this, I have never been so unstable in life before. Here's the crazy part, I know that God is my rock and my refuge, in whom I will trust; so why? I have no idea why this is happening. My good friend and work partner said "You just have to remember that there are people worse than you out there". My reply was "Pretty soon that remark won't hold true". I try to always remember that, and we have talked about it before, but I feel like it just keeps getting worse. Even with my precious son Xander, who has been having stronger seizures, and now recently twitches. Imagine sleeping and at the end of your breath, you are not allowed to breath for 20 to 30 seconds. That's what he has been going through for the last few weeks, and now the twitches, which no one has explained yet. He's on all these drugs that do not allow his true nature to come out. My sweet twins are at each others throats constantly, and they have been having really bad dreams lately. My incredible wife can't seem to feel rested ever. It all just sucks guys, it all sucks,they do not deserve this.

Mike Donahue, who is one of the most real, and Godly men I know once asked me a question when I was facing a very hard time in my life. He asked me "Does Dan Torres love Jesus?" I replied "Yes". He then told me "Hold onto that when it gets hard, cause he (God) will never leave you" I have held onto that, and I know it. I just am having a hard time with this time in my life, in our lives. All the things happening are all out of our hands, and some of the things happening are totally freaky things.

Please do not take this in anyway as me whining, I am honestly opening myself up to you in effort to gain insight. Maybe God will tell one of you something, and then you can tell me because I can't hear crap. I told my dad about three weeks ago that I felt like Daniel in the bible, the part where the angel takes 40 days to reply to his prayer. When Daniel asks him (Angel) about this he (Angel) says that he has been fighting with the "prince of the air". I told my dad "That's how I feel, like all my prayers are getting stuck out there, somewhere".

Please pray for us, I don't know how much longer Sarah and I can take this. I KNOW that we can do all things, and I will not stop fighting, but I am tired, we both are tired. I feel like chewing again. I have quit for over a year, and now more than ever I feel like chewing. Stupid things like that come to my head at times like this. I know somewhere out there someone is reading this and feels as if they have something for us. I am asking that you would comment it, or e-mail us if you are too embarrassed to share it on a comment ( Tendertigerx@gmail ). I will take everything with a grain of salt, and ask God about it, but I am now asking my brothers and sisters in Christ to please help us hear him. Sarah and I are beating our heads in trying to figure all this bad crap out, to no avail. Help us hear God, whether it be through prayer, a word, or whatever, help.

Maybe this is normal, and this is how people going through big "Storms" feel. I don't know, because no one has ever shared this with me. I am so frustrated, I don't want to be "that guy". The one that comes to work and only has bad news, or the guy that has only bad stuff happen to him, cause that's all he ever talks about. I have a ton of great stuff happen, blessings galore. I am just confused as to why I/we keep getting rained on. I am once again asking for help from my Christian family, I know that if I turn to anything else it is not worth the effort. Even a quick 20 second prayer, we will take it.

To be brutally honest, I just read this and told myself I was not going to post this. I am embarrassed about it, and I feel too vulnerable. It is for that very reason that I have posted this, and you are reading it. I will be an open book, naked, if you will, before you and God. I meant what I said, that we wanted to help people out, and maybe one day someone will read this and say "We are not the only ones".

1 comment:

  1. Please don't ever apologize for your honesty. The fact that you aren't trying to sugar-coat what you are going through, or super spiritualize your feelings, is a huge part of why I feel compelled to read this blog. Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability, and for helping us know how to pray specifically for you and your family. (More to come in an e-mail.)