Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Itches and Answers

How’s this for a post, I am pissed off, annoyed, and ready to be done with this crap. We kept X up all day, no naps and nonstop stimulation, until 930pm when he fell asleep. An hour, one friggin hour is all he slept, no more than before, and now at 1230 he has finally fell asleep again. I only had to deal with 2 hours of crying and X going crazy because he is itchy and there is nothing I can to in order to appease him. We have done everything, trust me, the list would take this entire page if I was to get into it, and my patience has been worn. I am frustrated that there is nothing I can do to help him, he cried for an hour about how he wants to be done with all of this, how he wants to have a seizure so he can go home. He told me all he wanted to do is go home, and that he didn’t understand why he was so itchy, I could do nothing about it. The only positive thing thus far has been the new nurse who did not give him Benadryl; she gave him a new medicine that should help since Benadryl only works for 15 minutes, if that.

This is the part where I would let you know how pissed I am at God, and how he does not answer prayers. Honestly, that is how I feel, nut what good is it feeding into it, I did a bit earlier tonight, and that only made me more resentful toward everything going on. It was in the middle of all of this that I realized it was these small life defining moments that have such a huge life viewing impact. If I were to continue in my “God is so unjust” thoughts I would so easily be swayed in future trials to continue in that path, until I was once again lost. I should say more bitter, resentful, and confused, lost would imply that I am not sure how to get back; if I were ever to lose focus, I would always know the way back.

I wish I knew what was going on, is it the lack of prayer, is he not suppose to be seizure free, and is this my fault somehow. Answers, that is all I want; I pray, and no answers. I ask others to pray, no answers. I read the bible, no answers jumping out there. I talk to people about what is going on, no answers. I talk to very smart Doctors, no answers. I ask for answers, NO ANSWERS!

My struggle right now is looking around at all these kids on this floor (PICU), and wondering why? I have asked everyone this question, “Why does this happen to these kids?” I have asked everyone from much respected Pastors to your average Joe, NOBODY can answer it. There are hundreds of God haters who have reason upon reason as to why God sucks in this regard, why don’t we have one reason as to why? I will be the first one to acknowledge that my sons’ condition, as crappy as it is, is not the worst one. In fact I am blessed in more ways than not. I see parents who may not have their children a month from now, I am blessed. I want to know why, it all seems so unjust, and they (the kids) are so innocent.

Who knows what is going on, I sure as hell don’t. I can tell you one thing, this sucks. On the “spiritual” side of things, I wonder if some people have quit praying, making this that much harder on us. I am not blaming anyone, in prior to going through all of this crap, I would have been one of those to quit praying or not pray as hard about it. I understand if that has happened, it’s the old “You never know until you go through it” thing. Kind of like when your parents told you “You’ll understand once you have children of your own”. Whether it pertained to how much they loved you, or how it hurt them more than it hurt you (spanking), which is SOOO not true Dad, it defiantly hurt me more than you. Back to the topic at hand, praying, I just think that prayer is so effective, and this time “feels” so much different than the first.

I am off to bed; I am much calmer now that I have had my opportunity to vent. Besides I figure I have 30 minutes of sleep before he wakes up; he is starting to itch in his sleep as I am finishing up this sentence.

Update on Eddie, he is doing much better and may be heading to rehab. Pray that goes well for him, and his nurses. Please keep praying friends, we need it, X needs it so he doesn’t go nuts due to the itchies. PRAY.


  1. Your faith is truly inspirational. I am still praying for Xander, for you and your family, and for Eddie. Keep persevering and keep praying. All the best guys x

  2. Bro we are still here, and will continue to be. I'm sorry it doesn't feel like it right now. We love you all very much. Please let me know if there is anything, anything I mean even if you need me to mail you a box of xanders favorite cereal please let me know.